I didn’t do much today, just laid in my bed and watched the television, the doctor said that I should take some rest and ease my mind for a day. He thought I was too hard on myself and it was a funny thing to hear from a person that we just met for the first time, don’t you think?
He also said that by the rhythm of my heart beat he diagnosed me as a hard worker, sleepless and always thinks too hard. But when I asked him if there is something wrong with my heart he said,
“Nope, you’re heart is find, but you are tired, don’t be too hard on yourself, I bet you’re a very determined person, you love what you do and you have so many things in mind now, but relax…, you don’t have to solve everything by yourself.”
I stunned by the things that he said, he was smiling when he said those things, or maybe, he was smiling by the look on my face. Yes, I have something in mind when he said those things, is he a paranormal, a doctor or a personality adviser?
But maybe he was right, I am being too hard on myself lately, I do have so many things in mind, and once again, yes, I always think that I have to solve things on my own!
And maybe the biggest reason of all is I felt so lonely lately! But I am not alone, definitely not! I have so many people who love me, my friends, my students, my kids and most of all, I always believe that God loves me with an amazing way! I tried to think of the reasons why am I having this lonely feeling inside, lately, and I found that I’m missing some people that I cherish the most!
Start with my mom and dad, for the past two weeks, I’ve been meeting some of the parents of my students, some of them have problems at school and I talked to them to work things out so we can improve their kid’s grades and attitude at school. And all of them were so nice and they were appreciating what we were trying to do for their kids. But every time I shook their hands I felt something, I remember the time when my parents were there for me.
Life is full of disappointments, I know that very clearly, and sometimes, you have to make some tough decision to survive this cruel world. I made mine, I took the first step and blaze the new path to reach my dreams and I knew it would never be an easy thing to do, but I did it, and I also acknowledged that the possibilities of being hurt is quite big! But I did it anyway, and I did well since, I mean… I haven’t reached all my dreams yet, but I have experienced the stanza of doing my best in what I love to do and I should be grateful for this!
I cried my eyes out today, I felt that life hasn’t been fair to me since I received a bad news a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t cry because the bad news, but I cry by the fact that I’m facing this alone now, I have no one to turn to, I have so many friends, but these issues are not their consumption, I have a sister and a brother that I can call, but since the past couple of weeks, none of them replied to my messages.
I’m not an angel, a part of my heart cried and said,
“I always there for you, you can always turn to me, I never let you fall and always make sure that you are happy and safe, I gave my whole life to you, and made sure that you get the love that you deserve!”
I shared this with someone, and he said,
“So… just let them be then,”
At first I said to him,
“It’s not fair”
But then I think again, what is not fair? I told this dear friend of mine about the morning when I kissed my mom and felt so torn apart by looking at her so weak and helpless by her cancer, I told him that I felt that the world is so unfair when my mom said that she would never know what would she do if she didn’t have me as a daughter. I felt so torn apart by the loving memories of both of my mom and dad and the things that they used to say that made me feel so loved and precious!
But once again, what is the most unfair thing that possibly occurred in our life? Being lonely? Being the first born? Being the person that always has time for her loved ones and always has the strength to be someone to turn to? Being the one that always see things in life as gifts and always has the ability to strengthen her loved ones? What?
Then I remembered the time when I wrote once:
“…and I wish that each time we have to let go, we will have the honor to always remember that we actually stand somewhere for someone….” (Quoted from when you have to let things go)
I thank God that I wrote that, life might had been unfair to you, your loved ones might left you behind, or maybe you’re suffering the agony by feeling so lonely and things seem not worth a fight anymore. But I am feeling much better after I realized that I did something for my loved ones, I was there for them once, I gave my best once and it doesn’t matter that much to me if they will never be there for me. Maybe this is the time to let them or let things go, and see the path that lays in front of me, cherish the love and the caring that I feel inside, count my blessings and keep on believing that life is beautiful by the love that I spread, not by the love that I get…
Love to you all…
Dedicated to my loved ones, (my family, friends, students, fellow teachers, basically to everyone that I love…)
Lisa Fransiska Sitompul
June 1st 2009